Before we talk about how to forgive, we need to clear away what forgiveness is not.
It is not saying that what happened to you was acceptable. It is not pretending it did not happen. It is not forgetting the pain, giving someone a pass, or walking back into a relationship that is unsafe for you.
And it does not erase accountability. The person who caused harm remains responsible for what they chose to do.
I want to begin there because people are often told to forgive before anyone has made room for the truth of what happened. If the word forgiveness has sounded like one more demand placed on you, I understand why you might resist it.
That is not the demand I am making.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT PERMISSION.
The difference between release and permission
In my Forgiveness Part 1 teaching, I describe forgiveness as detachment. Not detachment from reality. Detachment from an ongoing bond to the person or event that keeps claiming your attention and your power.
Something harmful happened. You can name it. You can seek protection, accountability, or justice where those are needed. You can choose not to speak to that person again. None of those decisions disqualifies you from working toward freedom within yourself.
Forgiveness, as I am using the word, asks whether the harm has to continue defining your inner life. It asks whether there is a way to remember the truth without living every day inside the same moment.
That may not happen quickly. You do not owe anybody a performance of peace.
Your boundaries do not have to fall
One of the most important lines in the recording is that forgiveness does not require giving the person who harmed you renewed access to you.
That matters. Sometimes a boundary is the clearest expression of self-respect available. It may be a conversation you will not have, a place you will not go, or a relationship you will not resume. If you need practical protection or qualified help, take those steps. A spiritual practice is not a substitute for them.
You can wish to be free of a burden without pretending the other person is safe. You can release a relationship without reopening it.
Compassion is not submission.
What about forgiving yourself?
I speak about self-forgiveness in this teaching, including my own childhood. I need to make a distinction as plainly as I can: a child who was abused did not cause that abuse. Being unable to leave is not a failure. Surviving is not a wrongdoing that needs to be forgiven.
If you carry shame about what happened, self-compassion may help loosen that shame. But that is not an admission that the harm was your fault. The person who chose to hurt you owns that choice.
When I invite you to look inward, I am not asking you to find what you did to cause someone else's harm. That choice belongs to the person who made it. I am asking whether the experience left you carrying shame, fear, or a belief about yourself that was never true. You can examine what you carry without taking responsibility for what someone else did.
Soul agreements and responsibility
A person can only enter into your reality through a prior soul contract or prior soul agreement. I see life as a Master Class in which the goal is for you to become a more authentic version of yourself.
To me, that agreement is about an opportunity for growth. It does not prescribe another person's choices or a particular act of harm. I am not saying I specifically signed up for physical abuse; the same learning could have come through another experience.
People may encounter illness, disability, grief, betrayal, violence, or loss. I do not see these as punishments from God or curses from the Divine. We may use what happens for our alchemy, but that does not make the harm good or excuse the person who caused it. Each person chooses how to act and remains responsible for that choice. And I would never insist that someone else find the same meaning in their experience that I find in mine.
A practice you may choose
If you are ready, you might begin with a letter you do not send. A spiritual practice that I used is writing a letter to the person who hurt, harmed, or betrayed you. Write the letter to the person that you need to forgive. Name exactly what was done, speaking your full truth. Say everything that you want to say in this letter, as if it is the last time you will ever speak to or of this person.
Write what you would like to release. Once you finish writing this letter, a spiritual practice that releases you is burning the letter, releasing it forever to the universe.
There is also a technique that Dolores Cannon describes as ending a “soul contract.” If that practice speaks to you, you may use it to mark your release from the connection.
And the understanding is that because that person was in your reality, they could only be in your reality by the advent of a soul contract.
And so you can say to them, “Listen, I no longer want to keep the soul contract. I dissolve the soul contract.” You can see yourself ripping up that soul contract.
You can say, “I release you in love to go your way. I release myself in love to go my way. We no longer hold ties to one another.”
It's important that you release them in love. “I release you in love to go your way. I forgive you. I release you in love to go your way.” That is important.
It's important to understand that you're not condoning what they did. You're just taking back your power.
You may find that this work comes in rounds. I have. A memory can return years after you thought you had dealt with it. That does not mean you failed. It may mean another layer is ready for attention. Or it may mean you need rest, support, or simply more time.
Start where you actually are
If forgiveness feels available today, you can explore it. If it does not, you can begin with something smaller and more honest: name the harm, protect yourself, breathe, and refuse to let anyone rush you into an answer.
The goal is not to produce the right spiritual sentence. It is to recover the freedom to choose your next wise action.
You remain your own permission slip. Keep what helps. Set down what does not.
If this subject touches trauma, abuse, or a current unsafe situation, bring real people and qualified support into the work. You do not have to do it alone.